Parent Mistakes With a Points System (and How I Fixed Mine)

What goes wrong when there are too many chores at once?

In the first week I wrote down twelve chores. I thought the more detailed, the fairer. In practice my child did not remember half of them, and I got tired of checking. Within ten days we both stopped looking at the list.

Now I start with two or three chores and add one at a time, when the previous one has become a habit. A short list that gets done beats a long one hanging on the wall.

If you catch yourself using the system as a reason for reproach, pause for a week and go back to two or three simple chores. There is no shame in starting over. We did it twice ourselves.

• Start with two or three chores, add one at a time.
• Write the rules in advance and change them only in writing.
• A penalty should be small enough to earn back within a week.
• Do not turn feelings into points.
• Review the rules with your child once a month.

Why is inconsistency worse than strictness?

One day I counted a chore that I would not have counted the day before. One day a penalty, the next day I waved it off. My child quickly got the main thing: the rules depend on dad's mood, so they can be worked around. A strict but predictable rule is easier to accept than a soft and random one.

Since then our formula is this: my voice in an argument is one opinion, and the law is what is written in the family rules. If I want to change a rule, I change it in writing, not in the middle of a fight.

On tired days, check quickly instead of skipping. A child remembers a skip more reliably than strictness.

How many points can I take away, and should I at all?

I took away too many, too fast. My child went into the negative, and a negative balance does not motivate, it makes him quit. If there are more penalties than earnings, the child stops playing, because there is nothing to do in a game where you always lose.

Now penalties at our house are rare, predictable and written down in advance. The size of any penalty should be small enough to earn back within a week. And points are not the only tool: sometimes it is enough to say, that is not what we agreed.

A useful rule: before the week starts, write down which violations carry a penalty at all and how many points. Then a penalty feels like arithmetic, not like my being upset.

Can I promise points in the moment to get a yes?

I tried it, and I admit it works exactly once. Help me right now and you get double points. My child quickly learned that if he waits, the price goes up. I taught him to haggle myself.

If something is urgent, offer it as a separate task with a price that was written on the board in advance. Urgency is not a reason to break the system.

Should I turn feelings into points?

No. Once I started giving points for good mood and politeness, and something strange came out: my child pretended to be polite, and sincere feelings became a kind of currency. Emotions and relationships should not be measured in points.

If even the word thank you gets paid for, it stops being the word thank you. Keep feelings for conversation and points for chores.

Points work well for concrete actions with a visible result: the dishes are washed, the backpack is packed. A talk about how a person is doing is not a points category, it is just a talk. If you are worried about your child's state, talk to him separately, and if needed, to a specialist.

What happens if I never review the rules?

Rules go out of date. The child grew up and the chores stayed the same. Or the chores got harder and the price stayed the same. Once a month we sit down together and look at the rules: what became too easy, what is not doable, what can go.

A related mistake is ignoring the child's voice. For a long time I thought the review was my job. Then I asked my child, and he named two chores that had not occurred to me at all. He gives his opinion, the last word stays with the parent, but it is always worth hearing.

How do I leave a way back after a bad week?

In that case we have no classic punishment. There is one big useful job, for example clearing out the storage closet or washing the balcony. Once he does it, the child returns to the normal rhythm without feeling that he is stuck in the red forever.

It is the same with the phone: if the child's ranking falls below the threshold, the smartphone comes to me, but it returns through specific tasks, not through my mood. The child knows the way back in advance. In HiHuman I put this into one system, but you can run the same logic on paper.

This makes a bad week an ordinary event, not a sentence. The child sees that the system is not looking for a reason to catch him. Such a path should be described in the rules ahead of time, not invented on the day of a fight.

What is the one habit that prevents most of these mistakes?

Write the rules down and keep them short. Most of my mistakes came from deciding things on the fly, in a mood, with no record. When the rule is on paper, I stop being the source of the rule, and the argument gets smaller.

Then once a month, read the page together with your child and cross out what no longer fits. If a rule needs three sentences to explain, it is probably too complicated for a family kitchen. Simple rules that both of you remember beat clever ones that only I remember.

Want to run this as a game instead of in your head?

HiHuman has tasks priced in points, a weekly target, rewards, rules and a ranking. The parent stays in charge, and the child sees clear rules.